Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
