I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
