we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
