dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
