I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
