Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
