i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
