he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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