11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
