Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
