I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
