Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
