everyone is single if you try hard enough
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
