I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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