So drunk its hurt
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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