apparently the secret to your success is patron
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
