i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
