I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
