eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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