sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
