My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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