Who wears a wallet chain?!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school