ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
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It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
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He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower