If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
