Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just found puke in my bra..
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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