I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
