I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I want her autograph on my taint
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
