I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
