This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
