My room smells like vodka and shame
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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