forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
This house was built for laser tag.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
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Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
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Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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