one two three fourrrrnication!
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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