Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
