No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
