She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
