Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
