I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
