If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Too much gin, very little bucket
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Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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