I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
