Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
