He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
