I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
