She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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