Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
bring money and cleavage
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I deserve this hangover.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
