today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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