last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
