Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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