I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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