I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
