Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
