Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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