then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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