mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
