chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
