Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.