the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016