Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
