I think I won the penis lottery.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
