Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
