I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
