if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
